Where to start reporting the farcical UKIP/English Democrats joint conference which took place in Nottingham on Friday night and through yesterday?

Well, at the beginning we suppose. Events kicked off, so to speak, with UKIP’s unelected leader Nick ‘Threesome’ Tenconi (above) steaming across the hotel car park towards an anti-racist demonstration gathered there, barking into his megaphone “Who invited you to my conference?”. That’s right: “…my conference.” Now, that would be a bit presumptuous at the best of times but when you are completely unelected Leader of a political party who hasn’t even yet had to attend an NEC meeting to account for yourself, it really is a bit rich.

Of course, he made sure he was filmed doing this and a video duly posted on YouTube was titled “Nick Tenconi storms through far-left blockade”. What it appeared to show, however, was more like Tenconi ‘storming’ towards the demo hoping to provoke a confrontation and being rather disappointed when the the smiling, chanting anti-racists politely stood aside to let him pass.

Inside, proceedings were, shall we say, modest. As you can see from our picture, the conference room -which at times accomodated both UKIP and ED contingents – had seating set out for only around 80 and according to our sources, less than half of these were occupied even at peak times. The majorlty appeared to be from the EDs. And things must have felt a bit odd to participants in the 11.30 session on ‘UKIP branding’ considering that all the ‘branding’ in the room belonged to the EDs,

But even so, proceedings livened up a bit at one stage when a gentleman ventured that party chairman Ben ‘Rogue Builder’ Walker, sacked as a magistrate earlier this year for deceiving the Ministry of Justice about his criminal convictions, should either be expelled forthwith or handed over to the police.

Walker could barely contain his fury. A few lapdogs leapt to his defence saying he was doing his best in difficult circumstances, but it kind of summed up where UKIP is at, at the present time: a pathetic, shrinking shell of its former self, terminally-ill and barely breathing, kept on life support by the convicted criminals Walker and Tenconi as a receptacle for the remaining bequests left to it by loyal members in UKIP’s glory days.