National Rebirth Party leader Alek Yerbury has offered up a taster of the Rise Britannia magazine that he is launching next month. Issue 1’s cover looks a real treat. A fat man with almost non-existent calves (hidden by brown football socks) and wearing a shonky shop plush superhero cape and a tantalising see-thru baby doll nightie. Barf!

Does England still have an Obscene Publications Squad that this ’painting’ can be referred to?

It’s not entirely clear who the man or the sword are supposed to be. Arthur drew Excalibur Mark I from an anvil sitting on a stone. Even in half-arsed versions that leave out the anvil, Arthur is supposed to be a skinny teenager, not a retired Rugby player gone to flab.

And Excalibur Mark II came from a lake.

Galahad pulled the Adventurous Sword direct from a stone, but that stone was floating (!) on Camelot’s river, and Galahad was supposedly 15 years old. Yerbury’s Fatso and his rock don’t really seem to fit.

In the miracle of St Wulfstan and the stone, the object that no one else could pull out was a staff. And as Wulfstan was a bishop at the time, it would be more reasonable to depict him in clerical robes than as someone on their way to a gender-fluid orgy.

Casting further afield than blessed Britain, there’s the Norse sword Gram (Wagner preferred to call it ’Nothung’) but that was always recovered from being buried hilt-deep in a tree. It’s quite a puzzle.

As for the provenance of the ’artwork’, we think that the infant Fanning is far too young to have painted it, unless an astonishing prodigy. It must surely have been someone closer to the age of 10.

Whatever, we are avidly looking forward to the publication of Rise Britannia. It promises to be a treat. And we are desperately hoping there’s a mail order shopping page offering the plushie cape, the naughty nightie, the shonky socks and (please, please, please) a model Sword in the Stone in hand-painted resin.

Yummy!